The Funeral and Beyond
I did not make it for his death. He died while I was on the plane. So fast once he got into hospice. I did visit him in an empty room at the funeral home, just me and him. I knew he would be cold. What I did not expect was that I did not want to leave him. I thought I would be in a hurry to peek at him and get outta there. I sat with him for about 30 minutes. I did not say much. Cried a little. I just wanted to be near him.
It is interesting. We got so much from the hospice and the funeral home in those 48 hours. Palliative care is the hospice’s business. They know how to do it. Most docs and nurses are not trained for death and dying. And they don’t have the mindset for it. They are there to heal. Maybe it is unfair for us to expect much from them at the end of life. Put someone else in charge? Let docs be a sub-contractor? I don’t mean to sound unappreciative. And I don’t know how you would really do it. Docs and nurses are wonderful, highly trained people. It is just that death and dying are not part of their expertise. And I don’t think that will (or even should) change.
We (my wife and I) are heading to the funeral. My wife would not embarrass him with a visit while he was dying, but she wants to be there for the funeral. I will be talking at the ceremony. Since our whole family dealt with trauma and stress through humor, my talk will be filled with jokes and funny stories. (It is appended to this thought piece.) Some people may be offended, but that is who we are. We all mourn in our own way.
How do I continue to communicate with them? When my brother was alive, it felt natural to call every night, even knowing that I would only talk to my brother’s wife. We became much closer than ever before. But now what? I guess I will call for a while. But it feels very different now. Am I interfering? Is it right for me to be calling a widow every night? In a sense, the answer is “of course you should, she is (was) your brother’s wife”; you still care for and worry about her. In another sense, everything thing has changed. I don’t want to be a nuisance. I am not trying to hit on her. Such a weird set of feelings. In a sense, so stupid but real.
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What a wonderful reflection. As for your wondering about calling her; you've been through so much and your feelings and fears may get heightened by grief and not knowing how to proceed. I wouldn't stop calling for now; she needs all the support she can get. Even if it's just a quick How are you, she'll know you are still there for her and she will be there for you in your grief too.
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1 ReactionWhen Lou passed I was surprised that I did not want to leave the room at the hospice house. I made 2 trips in each time kissing him on the cheeks and said I love you. We never left the house without saying good bye and a kiss.
She will always be your sister-in-law. I would call her as much as you are comfortable doing.
Thank you for sharing!
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1 Reaction@dhgustaf do you still call your brother's wife? How do the conversations go? Have things changed even more?
Beth, thanks for returning to this older post, I can read it with different perspective now that mom has passed. I relate to not wanting to leave a body, and that end of life care shown by some staff could use improvement.
Upon death, I heard an aide comment that mom hadn't been eating. Curious that hospice care wasn't mentioned before that day they determined she was "actively dying". Ah well, hindsight is 20/20 and there is no do-over.