1. < Stories

It is now 88 years since Mr. Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith first met in Akron, Ohio, and founded Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). They had this vision that if people with similar conditions could meet and share their stories, something good would come. The participants could listen non-judgmentally and understand where others were coming from because they were or had been there themselves. This approach has thrived, and AA and meetings involving those with a similar condition have spread globally.

Soon after Mr. Wilson and Dr. Smith started their meetings, their wives had a similar idea to create a group of loved ones who were suffering from the effects of alcoholism on their lives. This movement is called Al-Anon; the story below exemplifies that program.

These communities emphasized that people with similar illnesses and experiences were not alone. Non-judgmental listening was extremely healing. Not only did participants experience others who knew exactly where they were without complicated explanations, but the experiences of others in the same or similar situations often led to insights or solutions to issues that others had already overcome. The other part was that simply telling one's story from the heart was therapeutic. The act of telling what helped get burdens "off one's chest" and stating their deepest concerns out loud in the presence of those who deeply understood often led to insights or solutions that the speaker had not even considered.

Please take this story from Al-Anon, written by a care partner of a spouse with the disease of alcoholism, as an example that may help you to tell or encourage others to tell their story and be received non-judgmentally by those who know that place you are in now. Community among peers who understand can improve well-being, make the journey less chaotic and reduce feelings of isolation.

CSC Community Manager

By: Anonymous

Discovering that my husband of 17 years was an alcoholic put me into a tailspin. The reality of the diagnosis (because alcoholism is very much a serious illness) was devastating, and I felt quite alone with no close family nearby. At the time, we lived outside of Houston, Texas, our second tour there, with several other work transfers from New Jersey to Florida, Texas, Massachusetts, and back to Texas. At the time, we had our three young sons, 8,7, and a 3-year-old. I was involved in primarily children-driven activities, school, homework, gymnastics, and running a household with a husband absent for 12+ hours (work and commuting). 

He initially showed signs of wanting to become sober, and we both attended some Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings. My reaction to these meetings was positive, and I felt there was hope. However, I became confused when he did not stick to the program as they suggested he follow to become and remain sober. I became a typical enabling spouse, full of fear, doubt, and insecurity. What I did next was try to control the entire situation, fix my husband and become as "sick" or sicker than the alcoholic in my behavior. I treated him like a child, told him what to do, and ignored him when he did not follow my instructions. I searched for and dumped out alcohol, took away keys, called places looking for him, and isolated myself and our Family from any social functions. I was so focused on his behaviors and the children that I lost myself and ignored my needs.

I did not learn about Al-Anon initially from the few AA meetings we attended, or if I heard it, I did NOT listen to and process it. I DID try to talk to family members about his drinking and became quite the victim in my whining. I did speak to neighbors and others who would listen to my plight. Unfortunately, they were not especially helpful and always tried to tell me what to do and just to leave him if it was that bad. I could not relate to their advice and responses.

We were transferred just after his 40th birthday back to Massachusetts. I was thrilled because we would be closer to Family, just a car ride away instead of a long flight. I attended my first Al-Anon meeting in October of 1996. I was desperate for answers on how to fix my loved one and needed answers FAST!!

The first thing that was shared with me by this loving group of people was that I was in this meeting to help me, not the drinker and that I did not CAUSE IT, CANNOT CONTROL IT, OR CURE IT. He would have his program for that when and if he was ready to get help. 

The meeting was amazing. I did not know anyone there, yet they accepted me exactly as I was, gave me time to speak, listened, and did not give me advice. They told me to keep coming back, try other Al-Anon meetings in the area, and gave me literature and hugs. Other than that, I cannot remember anything else that was said, other than I kept saying how terrible my life had become and what was I going to DO????

However, I do remember how I felt. I immediately felt calm in my body, that this was a safe place, and that I was at peace in this fellowship for that hour and a half. My shoulders lowered about 6 inches; NO KIDDING!! I decided to try another meeting and see what happened. I had not felt that calm in a long time. 

Since attending Al-Anon, I have learned that alcoholism is a progressive disease and, unless treated, will have consequences of death, incarceration, or insanity. I have learned that for every alcoholic, there are at least 10 lives that he/she has affected. Our Family had been involved, and we were all suffering from the family disease of alcoholism. I also learned that I could not fix my husband, that I could work on changing myself - just a tiny bit at a time, and that there was hope that I could be happy and content in doing so.

I returned to meetings and found the love and support I could not find in my friends and Family. The meetings I attended became my extended 'healthy' Family. People called me, or I called them on the phone, and they would just listen and/or reason things out with me. Just sharing a problem helped reduce it to half what I thought it was. They just GOT IT. They had been in my shoes or felt able to identify with my feelings in such a way that I felt free to let out my issues and know I was not being judged or condemned. People in meetings would share what they had gone through and what tools of the program they used to improve their situation, outlook, attitude, etc. People listened to each other without interruption, and afterward, no one offered up advice and tried to fix it for another person. There was an amazing sense of hope that I got from the sharing’s in these meetings. I continued to go to meetings several times a week, feeling that same sense of calmness, at least for the time of the meetings and then was able to bring the tools of the program home to my house and Family. 

One of the most important things I have taken away from these meetings is the concept of living in the day. Not worrying about tomorrow nor obsessing over the past. I have learned from others to notice where my feet are and just BE THERE. If I am washing dishes, be in that moment, notice what I am doing, and be grateful for everything I can think of right then. If I have a problem that needs solving, I have learned to pause and take some time away from thinking and trying to find a solution.

I know I can call anyone from my meeting at any time, and if they are unavailable, I can move down the list. I can also pray, which I had never done before these meetings. In Al-Anon, we are free to progress in our way and pace; no one judges us on our "recovery."

There are so many things that I have learned from these groups over the years. I have learned that I can cope with many of the problems of alcoholism without having to solve the world's problems or even someone else's! As time has passed, my life has continued to have new issues, but I have a source of friendship and a collection of great wisdom from my groups, and even now, I can have serenity whether someone's drinking or behavior is bothering me.

These groups have taken me through not only my husband's drinking problem but fast forward to two of my sons' issues with alcohol, detox, rehabilitation programs, and sober living houses, not to mention suicidal issues and mental health problems. Without these people and the support of the program, literature, and the phone, I would not be as sane as I am today. As I was able to share, I could see heads nodding and even smiling when (eventually) my problems could seem funny at times! Who would have thought something so serious could make us all laugh?

Today, I still attend at least two weekly meetings, primarily via Zoom. Still, I am not just serving others by offering my experience strength and hope, but also having a sponsor and serving as a Group Representative in the Area. I feel it is important to give back to others so they can hear the hope that is out there for their lives. It does work, but it DOES take time. Meetings are so important, and we are so lucky that they are available; even if you cannot attend in person, there are multiple opportunities to Zoom, thanks to the pandemic! I am in New Hampshire now and primarily still attend the Massachusetts meetings to be close to my "family" there.

God grant me the
serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

SERENITY PRAYER (part of the closing for all Al Anon meetings)

Let it begin with me
When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help,
let the hand of Al Anon and Alateen always be there,
and — Let It Begin with Me.

AL-ANON DECLERATION

For more information on Al-Anon and/or how to locate a meeting

National: https://al-anon.org 

New Hampshire: https://nhal-anon.org